One of the trips I took was to Charlotte, North Carolina where I attended a conference for speakers, writers, and ministry leaders. I won a scholarship to go and have been looking forward to the trip all year. I saw it as a gift from the Lord and an opportunity to share with editors a book I wrote on healing after pregnancy loss.
Four days before I left for the conference, I was at my Mom and Dad’s house in Washington State and tried to do a few finishing touches on my book proposal. As I researched for the "competition" section on my proposal, I made a startling discovery.
The two editors I had made appointments to meet with, the two I'd prayed over so much, represented publishing companies that had just released their very own books on the topic of- you guessed it- miscarriage.
At that moment, I knew I would be wasting their time pitching competition for books they had just published on the same subject.
There I was:
- 10 hours away from home
- Four days away from the conference
- Totally and completely prepared to pitch a book I now knew they would not want.
I did what any girl would do.
I cried.
A lot.
All day Sunday I mourned. Waiting for the conference to arrive, I carried the weight of being a scholarship winner. I knew there were so many women who wanted the gift I was given, and I was determined not to waste it. So, I was so ready. I had handouts, sample chapters, a beautiful proposal, and then- nothing.
Crying it out on Sunday, I learned some hard lessons. I had wrapped up so much hope in getting that book published because I was counting on the book bringing meaning to our loss. God had to show me that the beauty He was and will continue to bring out of our hurt had nothing to do with me or my book, it had everything to do with Him.
He also showed me I was relying on myself. I wanted to be ready. I wanted to be prepared. I didn't leave any room for miracles, so He took away the crutches I was leaning on.
That night I made a crazy decision. I have a novel I've been working on, and I decided right then I was supposed to pitch that book instead. It wasn't ready though. I only had four rough chapters written and a vague idea of were I was going with the story. I didn't sleep for the next three days, worked all the way home in the car, spent hours on the telephone with my amazing dad editing what I did have, and then left Thursday morning far less prepared then I would have ever wanted.
While we were in the air, my friend, Rochelle, handed me the devotion book she was reading. I read that day's devotion, overwhelmed and grateful that it was a message just for me. Here's an excerpt:
Streams in the Dessert
July 31 With skillful hands he led them - Psalm 78:72
When you are unsure which course to take, totally submit your own judgement to that of the Spirit of God, asking Him to shut every door except the right one. But meanwhile keep moving ahead and consider the absence of a direct indication from God to be the evidence of His will that your are on His path. And as you continue down the long road, you will find that He has gone before you, locking doors you otherwise would have been inclined to enter. Yet you can be sure that somewhere beyond the locked doors in one He has left unlocked. - F.B. Meyer
I knew God wrote that devotion just for me because I live that scenario everyday.
My baby boy is one week shy of turning one, and he still has not figured out how to crawl right.
(And he doesn't listen to his mommy either when I tell him he'll never be able to read because of it!)
But man can he scoot! He's fast!
His sisters keep forgetting to close doors behind them, so when he sees an opportunity, he looks me in the eye as if to say, The race is on Mommy!
He scoots as fast as he can, trying to beat me to the bathroom door before I can close it in his face.
It dawned on me. How often do I do that with the Lord? How often do I try to race Him to a door before He closes it?
As a loving parent would, God closes doors I might be inclined to walk through and shouldn't, but one day He's going to leave one open for me. It will be the "JUST RIGHT FOR BECKY" door and instead of just leaving it open for me, He'll come and lead me by the hand so we can walk through it together.
Personal Application:
Do you have hopes and dreams you worry will never happen?
Are you in a hurry for God to DO something, anything?
Are you racing God for open doors because you are worried He will close them before you can walk through them?
Take some time this week to lay those dreams at His feet and then wait on Him to not only leave a door open for you, but to take you by the hand and walk you through it with Him.
In my case, stripping away my security opened up doors for miracles that happened all weekend long. I had chances to pitch BOTH books, and I knew it was all God’s doing, not my own.
Trust Him to lead you in the pursuit of your precious dreams. He is worthy of that trust.
Love,
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